World's Heaviest Element Discovered

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by University of Adelaide physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no proton and no electrons and thus has atomic number of 0.
However, it does have one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 70 vice-neutrons and 161 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 244. These 244 particles are held together in a nucleus by a strong force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with.

According to researchers, in one experiment, a minute amount of Administratium was added to a reaction, which took four days to complete. Without Administratium, the reaction ordinarily took less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Preliminary studies show that the atomic number actually increases after reorganization.

Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere, but it tends to concentrate in artificial structures built at lower altitudes, such as government agencies and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.

Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic. They recommend taking plenty of fluids with alcohol content and getting bed rest after exposure to even low levels of the element.