A Promise To Conservatives And Republicans

[You libertarians are out of luck.]

I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:

1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us.

[No, we won't call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we won't call you "unpatriotic" at all. Mostly because we don't believe the United States should exist as a sovereign nation. We believe it should only exist as a subsidiary of the United Nations.]

In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.

[You can go ahead and disagree with us all you want. Not that it'll do you any good. We're going to go ahead and do whatever we want, 'cause we won the election.]

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral". Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift.

[Yeah, we don't really care what you do. We just want to make sure that you don't try to interfere with our immoral, deviant, aberrant behavior. Or our agenda to brainwash your kids into accepting it as "normal".]

3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you.

[No, we'll spend your money on our personal whims and our socialist vote-buying schemes. And when we balance your checkbook, the balance will be zero.]

4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. [We certainly don't want anyone left over there to fight for freedom.] They deserve to live. [As long as they live in our socialist workers' paradise.] We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie. [Only to die for a self-serving cause like Somalia.]

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too. [Of course, it'll take you a couple of years to get in to see the doctor.]

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water. [Which you can do while walking or riding your bicycle to work, since that's the only transportation you'll have left.]

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you. [Whether you want us to protect you or not. We're certainly not about to let you protect yourselves.]

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived. [If you're lucky enough to actually be born, that is.]

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. [Leastwise, not yet. First, we have to take away anything you could use to defend yourselves from us.] If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons [but not from the criminals who use whatever weapons they can get their hands on] and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. [And not one cent more.] When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too. [Of course, we'll do that by taxing the hell out of men until they make as little as women do. No matter how much more or how much harder they work.]

11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor", "Blessed are the peacemakers", "Love your enemies", "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God", and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). [Of course, we're leaving out the "render unto God" part, as well as the "thou shalt not lie", "thou shalt not kill", "thou shalt not steal", "thou shalt not covet" and a few other inconvenient parts.] We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with the [Christian] fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. [Except Murtha, Jefferson. and Reid.] We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. [Of course, we won't actually do anything to them.] If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. [Not that we'll pay you any heed.] Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. [We do that because we're arrogant.] Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition. [It won't do you any good, but it'll distract you from trying to block passage of our socialist agenda.]

I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. [And because we have no intention of actually honoring any of these promises.] You are every bit as American as we are. [We just think we're better than you.] We are all in this together. [Yeah, we have no intention of suffering alone.] We sink or swim as one. [Mostly sink.] Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity [by screwing up and handing us the election] to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans [legal and illegal] -- and for the rest of the world.

Sincerely,

Michael Moore
(and 10,000+ other moonbats)