Ultra-Secret CIA Interrogation Techniques

And a hat-tip to the Professor for this one. :-)

It looks like we've finally found out what some of those "torture" techniques are that our gummint has been using to break the resistance of terrorists:

- The Faux Shirt Stain: Interrogator points at suspect's chest: "Look, you've got something on your shirt." When suspect looks down, interrogator brings up index finger, tweaking suspect's nose. Interrogator laughs. This grievous affront, a loss of honor in the eyes of Allah, administers massive psychic trauma to suspect. Repeat as needed.

- The Urkel: Suspect is locked in room lined with 72-inch plasma screens showing non-stop "Family Matters" episodes featuring '90s "urban nerd" Steve Urkel. Longest recorded breaking time: 2.3 hours.

-The Echo: Interrogator repeats all of suspect's statements in snotty voice...

Suspect: All unbelievers will fall before the sword of Allah!

Interrogator: [Flouncing about room in effeminate fashion] All unbelievers will fall! Before the sword! Of Allah! Who is my boyfriend! Pppbbbbbbhhht!!

Interrogator's failure to be struck down instantly places suspect under extreme psychological stress. In case of emergency, interrogator may deploy Nyah-Nyah-Nyah Protocol.

-The Complete and Utter Mindscrew: Suspect is addressed directly by unchaperoned female exposing more than 3% of her epidermis.

-The Chomsky: Suspect is strapped to chair in room with award-craving theoretical linguist Noam Chomsky. Earplugs are placed on table just out of suspect's reach. (This protocol is considered a Last Resort.)