What I've Learned From The Movies

Everything I ever needed to know, I learned at the movies:

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people -- whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. Things always end tragically for a troubled young loner named Johnny.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

13. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.

15. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the Germans.)

17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

20. If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: >Enter Password Now.

22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red read-outs so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

27. Non-fatal bullet wounds heal completely within 48 hours.

28. Women in high heels can outrun men in Nikes.

29. Even in New York and L.A., there's always a handy parking space.

30. The average person is completely incapable of distinguishing gun shots from a car backfiring.

31. It's impossible for the viewers to know that there's a baby in the scene, unless it's squawling at the top of its lungs.

32. Surveillance cameras in banks and stores are capable of filming the action from every conceivable angle simultaneously.

33. Unlike your VCR, all other VCRs in the world play the sound back at high speed during fast-forward.

34. All Hispanic women are named "Maria"; all German men are named "Hans".

35. The presence of a baby can turn otherwise normal human beings into blithering idiots.

36. The only song that piano players in the Old West knew was "Camptown Races".

37. Fresh towels will be delivered to your hotel room within 15 minutes of check-in, and four times a day after that.