No Team Left Behind

As an extension of the No Child Left Behind Act, Congress is now proposing No Team Left Behind for sports. This will work as follows:

1. All teams must make the state play-offs and all MUST win the championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on probabtion until they are the champions, and coaches will be held acountable. If, after two years, they have not won the championship, their equipment will be taken away until they do win.

2. All kids will be expected to have the same skills at the same time, even if they do not have the same conditions or opportunities to practice on their own. NO exceptions will be made for lack of interest in sports, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic (dis)abilities of theirs or their parents.

3. Talented players will be asked to work out on their own, without instruction. This is because the coaches will be using all their instruction time with the athletes who aren't interested in sports, have limited athletic ability, or whose parents don't like sports.

4. Games will be played year-round, but statistics will only be kept for the 4th, 8th, and 11th games. This will create a New Age of Sports, where every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimum goals. If no child gets ahead, then no child gets left behind. Parents who do not like this new law are encouraged to vote for vouchers and support private teams that can screen out the non-athletes and prevent their kids from having to go to school with bad players.