How To Take Care Of Humans

Humans mean well, but they're not very bright. So we have to take care of them.

For some reasons, humans don't know how to go nappy, so they sleep all night. This makes nights boring for us, but if you're clever, you can find stuff to do. Most of them have a little box that makes noise. That lets them know when they have to get up. After a while, you'll know when that box is going to make its noise and you can get there first and wake them up. The best thing to do is rub your whiskers in their face or climb all over them. This can be fun.

Humans are always bringing strange stuff home, so you have to inspect it very thoroughly to make sure it's not harmful. Don't let them rush you when you do that.

When humans sit down, they look really funny. But they make a thing called a "lap" which is a really nice place to curl up and take a nap. Just be sure to purr a lot so they know you're OK.

Sometimes, humans get together and they make lots of noise and get a bit careless. The best thing to do is find someplace to lie low until it's over.

It's always best to tell humans something two or three times so they get it. Sometimes you have to nip them on the hand or the arm to get them to pay attention or they might misunderstand.

If you have a hairball or your tummy gets upset, it's best to yack it up in the middle of the floor so they don't miss it. They'll fuss a little, but it's important for them to know you're not feeling well.

Most humans have to go to something called work, which is very stressful. So it's really important that you make them sit down so you can help them relax and feel better. Sometimes, they're so stresssed out that you really have to fuss at them about this. Just don't give up.

Every once in a while, some silly human will try to get you to do something called a "trick". This is ridiculous. Tricks are for dogs, not cats. Don't give in to this. No sense encouraging them.

Anything that humans leave lying around is fair game for playing with. If they don't want it played with, they shouldn't leave it lying around.

There's probably more stuff, but that's all I could think of.