De' fliengde Vuogtlänn'r

Observations, rants, etc. from a guy who really gets around.


Kid Fun

(Hat tip to my friend Laura for this one.)

Whilst waiting for uploads, downloads, updates, downdates, inputs, outputs, throughputs, shot puts and all the rest, I got to roaming around cyberspace and somehow landed on my friend Laura's blog. (In keeping with standard Netiquette, I won't link to it w/o her permission.)

This one line caught my attention, big-time:

"I think there's something wrong with a society that says you can only do fun things if you're a little kid."

Oh, ain't that the truth. Notwithstanding my recent foray into climbing over 6' chain link fences (another reason my family now has to dislike the stupid things), I've always gotten a charge out of doing things that "adults" are "not supposed" to do.

I've even blogged about something in this vein before.

Like the time I was working as an aide in the computer lab and answered the phone: "Frank's Bar & Grill. Your dime; my time. Start talkin'."

Or the time I got scolded for leaving a "memo" in all the distro boxes at Maxwell. (Got my hand slapped for that one.)

I even got chastised for linking to the log-out page on LinkUp so people would have to log back in after they click on it.

There are other things I could dredge up out of my memory, but I digress.

Someone once said "We don't stop laughing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop laughing." This is so true. Much of the problem with our "modern" society is that we've turned into a bunch of stuffed shirts, unable to laugh at much of anything. Where's Red Skelton when we need him?

One of these days, I've got to get out to Utahrdia and look Laura up. Somehow, I just know that there's a huge fountain in Salt Lake that's in dire need of a couple of bottles of laundry detergent. :-]

More Movie Fun

This grew out of a contest in the Washington Pest back in '02. I've added to the list over the years, but I'm too lazy to go back and see if I'd already posted this.

The contest was to change on word in a movie title and come up with a whole new synopsis. (In one case, I didn't even need to change the title.)

"Fahrenheit 450"
Futuristic book-burners just can't seem to get the bonfires going.

"How Green Was My Valley?"
Aging Welsh miner develops amnesia.

"Fear and Loafing in Las Vegas"
Indolent casino workers worry about keeping their jobs.

"Diet Hard"
Bruce Willis spends his entire Christmas vacation trying to get his weight down.

"The Bitches of Madison County"
Photographer Eastwood just can't seem to get women to pose for him.

"Never on Saturday"
Intellectual boob travels from Greece to Israel, links up with earthy prostitute.

"Where the Boys Aren't"
Connie Francis, Yvette Mimieux and the gang mistakenly spend spring break at the wrong beach.

"Lost Remake of Beau Geste"
Overlooked re-do of the classic is found in the archives.

"Fletch Live!"
Bumbling reporter with multiple-personality disorder tries his hand at stand-up comedy.

"Once Upon a Time in the East"
Hired killer seeks to eliminate landowner blocking extension of highway.

"That's Entertainment?"
Hollywood stars host a trashfest of movies they can't stand.

"Lady Chatterly's Liver"
Years of debauched living finally catch up with m'lady.

"Realty Bites"
Wynona Ryder agonizes over her life as a real estate agent.

Rogue attorney terrorizes beach-goers.

"Lust of the Mohicans"
Madeleine Stowe starts a few rivalries in the Maine woods.

"Jack the Rapper"
No-talent "singer" terrorizes London.

"Magnum Farce"
Eastwood lightens up with this spoof of cop movies.

"Thirteen Angry Men"
The judge gets mighty upset when the jury's deliberations drag on.

"Pleasure of the Sierra Madre"
Bogey and crew give up prospecting for gold, open tourist brothel instead.

"Rebel Without a Clue"
Teenager tries to escape life of delinquency when his family moves to a new town, but he can't quite figure out how to fit in.

"Shaft's Big Scare!"
Even the toughest private eye has his limits when he gets tangled up with the underworld.

"To Grill A Mockingbird"
A Southern lawyer throws a celebratory BBQ after winning a landmark case.

... and my personal favorite:
"I Married a Mobster From Outer Space"
Gorgeous Gloria Talbott begins to have doubts about her pin-stripe-suited husband from the planet Debronks when he'd rather spend more time with his cauliflower-eared buddies than with her.

What I've Learned From The Movies

Everything I ever needed to know, I learned at the movies:

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people -- whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. Things always end tragically for a troubled young loner named Johnny.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

13. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.

15. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the Germans.)

17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

20. If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: >Enter Password Now.

22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red read-outs so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

27. Non-fatal bullet wounds heal completely within 48 hours.

28. Women in high heels can outrun men in Nikes.

29. Even in New York and L.A., there's always a handy parking space.

30. The average person is completely incapable of distinguishing gun shots from a car backfiring.

31. It's impossible for the viewers to know that there's a baby in the scene, unless it's squawling at the top of its lungs.

32. Surveillance cameras in banks and stores are capable of filming the action from every conceivable angle simultaneously.

33. Unlike your VCR, all other VCRs in the world play the sound back at high speed during fast-forward.

34. All Hispanic women are named "Maria"; all German men are named "Hans".

35. The presence of a baby can turn otherwise normal human beings into blithering idiots.

36. The only song that piano players in the Old West knew was "Camptown Races".

37. Fresh towels will be delivered to your hotel room within 15 minutes of check-in, and four times a day after that.


Why I'm Not Married

It's always interesting, how a couple of random ideas can rattle around in one's head and combine themselves into a whole new idea.

A few weeks ago, in a Priesthood lesson on Charity, I made the comment that although we're commanded to love our neighbor, we're not commanded to like our neighbor. That alone would be grist enough for this mill, but.... combine that with:

- my previous post on marriage ;

-an observation I've repeated over the years to people to the effect that if you were to put all the women I've ever been seriously interested in in the same room, you'd go crazy trying to figure out their commonality*;

(*The one thing all those women I've been seriously interested in have in common is that they are all eminently likeable people. Despite all their physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual differences, I like them all.)

- the oft-repeated remark that most marriages fail because the two people stop loving each other (I think a lot of them fail because the two people stop liking each other); and

- the recently given advice from one of the Brethren that we should seek to marry someone we could serve for eternity...

and I guess I'm left looking for a likeable person I wouldn't mind serving for eternity. And she doesn't even have to be an orphan with no siblings.

The Storm Of The Century

For those who might not have heard, we got one helluva storm come thru the Scenic City Wednesday. Hail the size of tennis balls in the eastern suburbs, straight-line winds in excess of 100 mph, lots of rain, and *LOTS* of damage. Oddly enough, the neighborhood where I live -- sheltered somewhat by a ridge -- got almost no damage. To the south, west, and around to the northeast of me, somewhere around 85,000 homes are without power; 146 power lines down. My power winked out briefly a couple of times, but recovered. Latest casualty count was 67.

The Red Cross has a Web site up to help people keep track of each other: (I'm not registered there, though.)

You can follow the whole story at

More updates later as necessary. Meanwhile, I'm OK.