De' fliengde Vuogtlänn'r

Observations, rants, etc. from a guy who really gets around.


Hallowe'en Safety

(Hat tip to Lauren for this one. Ü )

As we all prepare for Hallowe'en, please take a few minutes to read these simple rules to help keep everyone safe.

1. Don't assume the telephone calls are coming from another house.

2. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

3. Never read a book of demon-summoning aloud.

4. Don't go into the basement to check the power when the lights go out.

5. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with someone else's voice.

6. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone.

7. Don't have sex. Especially if you've noticed a few of your friends are missing!

8. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open a portal to Hell.

9. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

10. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, don't stand their sighing with relief, GET THE HECK OUT!

11. If appliances start operating by themselves, don't check for short circuits -- JUST GET OUT!

12. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

13. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

14. If at any time the house or place you're staying in asks you to get out -- DON'T argue.

15. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely ambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

17. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

18. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and will most likely be eaten.

19. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge
trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

20. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your living room.

21. Don't run upstairs when being followed by someone with a knife.

22. Do not walk outside whenever you hear something knock over trashcans.

23. When the monster falls into the hole and you turn your back on the hole, don't JUST SIT THERE.



Survey Says....

It's no secret that I despise telemarketers, although I'll mess with their (albeit feeble) minds, given half a chance. I especially despise their cute little habit of trying to disguise their pre-qualifying calls as some sort of "survey".

Got a call earlier this evening. Went something like this:

Her: "Blah blah blah blah yada yada yada.... brief survey."

Me: "Define 'brief'? Last time I participated in a 'brief' survey, it took 15 minutes."

Her: "Blah blah blah blah yada yada yada...."

Me: "Go for it."

Her: "Are you between the ages of 18 and 25?"

Me: "No."

Her: "Are you between..."

Me: "I'm 55."

Her: "Blah blah blah blah yada yada yada.... outside the parameters of our survey. Blah blah blah blah yada yada yada...."

Me: "Now that's what I call 'brief'." *click*


Jahn's Corollary To Godwin's Law

Godwin's Law states that as soon as any party to a discussion compares another party to Hitler or the Nazis, the discussion is effectively over.

Now we get this little tidbit in the news, causing intelligent people to ask "Who gives a rat's rear end?".

And so we have Jahn's Corollary To Godwin's Law: as soon as any character/actor is declared to be homosexual, people begin to lose interest in droves.

You heard it here first.


Pity Party

Well, it's (ugh!) that time of year again. People all over are starting to plan for "the holidays". It wasn't even Columbus Day yet when some stores were already puttin gout stuff for Christmas.

"The holidays". And we all know what that means for single people. All of a sudden, well-meaning people are going to be coming out of the woodwork, all geared up to invite the poor, pathetic single people over for "the holidays". Well, count me out.

Someone once said that we all appreciate a little sympathy, but no one wants people feeling sorry for them. Amen to that.

The way I see it, if you didn't bother inviting me over on any of the other 363 days of the year, why bother with Thanksgiving or Christmas? Just so I can sit there an be uncomfortable while you tell me all the things your family is doing? No, thanks. Let's get together some other time and talk about something else. Forgive me if I sound cynical, jaded or ungrateful, but I'd just as soon spend the day alone, TYVM. I still have my doubts about whether most people even think about what we're supposed to be celebrating.

A couple of weeks ago, one of my fellow Linksters posted a blurb about their local Christmas celebration being about Christmas, with no mention of Santa Claus. I thought that was a great idea; I hope we implement it here (even though I have no idea who's on our Activities Committee, since the database hasn't been updated in a while).

And, since I haven't been there on any of the other 363 days of the year, I think it'd be rather hypocritical of me to head down to the local homeless shelter-mission-whatever and volunteer. If I do go, I'd go on a day when no one else thinks to go.