De' fliengde Vuogtlänn'r

Observations, rants, etc. from a guy who really gets around.


Why English Is So Hard To Learn

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present..
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

By the way -- why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?


Giving Thanks

OK, so today is supposed to be Thanksgiving. I wonder, though, how many people are really all that thankful. It seems that true gratitude is largely a thing of the past.

To me, gratitude is a state of mind, not a set of words. Admittedly, I was taught as a child to show gratitude, but someone needs to "connect the dots" for kids so that they actually feel gratitude.

I've often joked over the years that I came into this world with nothing, and I still have plenty of it left. Maybe starting out with next to nothing is a good way to develop gratitude for what we have -- however much or little that might be.

Back in '91, when I got my first bus, I needed some work done on it. I called the guy who always worked on my Datsun pick-up, since he had a bus. He said he had his hands full, but gave me the number of the guy who worked on his bus, with the caution that I shouldn't give the guy any grief.

Anyway, I made the call and explained my situation. Sean told me when to show up, and I made sure I was on time (punctuality being another thing I was taught as a kid). By the time I got home, I had noticed how much better the bus was running and called back to say thanks and let him know I noticed the difference. In fact, he did such a good job that I wound up being a steady customer.

Over time, I noticed that even though he always had a yardful of work, Sean was always very accomodating at getting me in. One day, I mentioned that and remarked that I appreciated it. What he said next left me speechless. He said that of all the customers he had had over the years, I was one of the few who ever called him back to thank him for what he had done. I managed to stammer out something about that being the way I was brought up. All these years later, guess who I go to when I'm in Albuquerque and need some work done?

Fast forward a bit to when I got my first cat (i.e., the first cat that was my cat and not the family cat). Mauki had been taken from his mother when he was only three weeks old, and had spent the next four weeks in a shelter. Naturally, he bonded to me like SuperGlue. And I spoiled him rotten. Really.

No matter what it was he wanted, he got. I can only remember two times that I ever told him "No" and was able to make it stick. And even that wasn't for long. After a while, though, I noticed that no matter what I did for him -- big thing, little thing, I thought of it, he thought of it -- he'd always climb up on me, purring his little heart out and rubbing his face against my cheek and getting all kissy-face with me. How could I not dote on the little guy when he treated me like that?

Back in '02, I got recalled to active duty. Being a personnelist, I wound up working in Outbound Assignments, where we take care of those who are leaving our base and transferring to another one. Over time, I noticed that there were quite a number of people who seemed to think they had some sort of divine right to preferential treatment. Naturally, this didn't sit well with me. I serve without fear or favor.

One afternoon, after "normal duty hours", a couple of us were finishing up some stuff before going home and wound up having a little "gripe session". Along the way, I mentioned that what really rots my sox were all the people (and I named a few names) who would come in and badger the daylights out of us, trying to get us to do things they had no business asking of us. The main part of my comment was that none of them ever came back to say "Thank you". There were, however, others who would come in -- hat in hand, so to speak -- and humbly ask for something we probably should have thought of doing in the first place. They were the ones who would fall all over themselves thanking us for simply doing the basics of our job.

To me, gratitude is a state of mind, not a set of words. It bespeaks one's attitude toward others and toward interpersonal relationships. People who are truly grateful tend to be humble people who see themselves as being no better than others. Maybe the thing I'm most grateful for is having learned to be grateful.


What's For Breakfast?

For the first two months I was in Germany in the early '70s, I had exactly the same thing for breakfast every morning -- every morning: Oats. Finally, I was on in another city (Bayreuth) and the guy I was working with announced he was going to make me something really special for breakfast. Oh, whoopie.... Finally, something different.

As I waited with bated breath, he set about preparations. Ooh... what gastronomic delight awaited me? What exotic treat awaited my tastebuds? After almost an eternity of waiting, I was finally presented with....

Cream of wheat.

What the...?

Don't get me wrong -- I like the stuff. Used to eat it all the time as a kid. But... talk about a let-down. The way he had been talking, you'd think he was distilling jet fuel. Fortunately, I at least learned what to look for in the grocery stores, so I could have some variety in my breakfast after that.

Some people's kids....


A Promise To Conservatives And Republicans

[You libertarians are out of luck.]

I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:

1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us.

[No, we won't call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we won't call you "unpatriotic" at all. Mostly because we don't believe the United States should exist as a sovereign nation. We believe it should only exist as a subsidiary of the United Nations.]

In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.

[You can go ahead and disagree with us all you want. Not that it'll do you any good. We're going to go ahead and do whatever we want, 'cause we won the election.]

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral". Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift.

[Yeah, we don't really care what you do. We just want to make sure that you don't try to interfere with our immoral, deviant, aberrant behavior. Or our agenda to brainwash your kids into accepting it as "normal".]

3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you.

[No, we'll spend your money on our personal whims and our socialist vote-buying schemes. And when we balance your checkbook, the balance will be zero.]

4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. [We certainly don't want anyone left over there to fight for freedom.] They deserve to live. [As long as they live in our socialist workers' paradise.] We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie. [Only to die for a self-serving cause like Somalia.]

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too. [Of course, it'll take you a couple of years to get in to see the doctor.]

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water. [Which you can do while walking or riding your bicycle to work, since that's the only transportation you'll have left.]

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you. [Whether you want us to protect you or not. We're certainly not about to let you protect yourselves.]

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived. [If you're lucky enough to actually be born, that is.]

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. [Leastwise, not yet. First, we have to take away anything you could use to defend yourselves from us.] If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons [but not from the criminals who use whatever weapons they can get their hands on] and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. [And not one cent more.] When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too. [Of course, we'll do that by taxing the hell out of men until they make as little as women do. No matter how much more or how much harder they work.]

11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor", "Blessed are the peacemakers", "Love your enemies", "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God", and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). [Of course, we're leaving out the "render unto God" part, as well as the "thou shalt not lie", "thou shalt not kill", "thou shalt not steal", "thou shalt not covet" and a few other inconvenient parts.] We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with the [Christian] fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. [Except Murtha, Jefferson. and Reid.] We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. [Of course, we won't actually do anything to them.] If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. [Not that we'll pay you any heed.] Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. [We do that because we're arrogant.] Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition. [It won't do you any good, but it'll distract you from trying to block passage of our socialist agenda.]

I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. [And because we have no intention of actually honoring any of these promises.] You are every bit as American as we are. [We just think we're better than you.] We are all in this together. [Yeah, we have no intention of suffering alone.] We sink or swim as one. [Mostly sink.] Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity [by screwing up and handing us the election] to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans [legal and illegal] -- and for the rest of the world.


Michael Moore
(and 10,000+ other moonbats)


2008 Democratic National Convention Agenda

As we all know, every election campaign begins the morning after Election Day. So it should come as no surprise that the Democrats have already planned the agenda for their convention. Fortunately, in this age of high technology, it's really easy to get ahold of advance copies of the plan. To wit:

7:00pm Opening flag burning.
7:15pm Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
7:30pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:30 till 8:00pm Nonreligious prayer and worship. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.
8:00pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05pm Ceremonial tree hugging.
8:15-8:30pm Gay Wedding-- Barney Frank Presiding.
8:30pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:35pm Free Saddam Rally, presented by Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon.
9:00pm Keynote speech. "The Proper Etiquette For Surrender" -- French President Jacques Chirac.
9:15pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:20pm Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden Kidney Transplant Fund.
9:30pm Unveiling of plan to release freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay by Sean Penn.
9:40pm "Why I Hate The Military", a short talk by William Jefferson Clinton.
9:45pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:50pm Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award, presented by Michael Moore.
9:55pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:00pm "How George Bush And Donald Rumsfeld Brought Down The World Trade Center Towers" -- Howard Dean.
10:30pm Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahmadinejad.
11:00pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
11:05pm Al Gore reinvents the Internet.
11:15pm "Our Troops Are War Criminals" -- John Kerry.
11:30pm Coronation Of Mrs. Rodham Clinton.
12:00am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:05am Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home.


Squawk, Squawk, Squawk.....

Are any of our planes missing? If so, I think I might know why!

"Squawks" are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

P: = Problem/complaint: S: = Solution/reply:

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: Volume set to more believable level.

P: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: Number three engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.

P: #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: #2 propeller seepage normal. #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on order.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: The autopilot doesn't.


The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good-looking.

"Wow", she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good-looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor #4,363,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!