Giving your cat a pill in just 18 easy steps

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to his cheeks. When cat opens up, pop pill into mouth. Cat will then close mouth swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open, and push pill to back of throat with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10, if you are able. Hold cat's mouth closed as well.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call for assistance.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing front and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's throat. Flick pill down ruler with forefinger, and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from living room curtain valance.

8. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for later gluing. Remove third pill from foil wrap.

9. Wrap cat in beach towel and ask assistant to lie prone on cat with cat's head visible under assistant's armpit. Put pill in end of paper tube you've made for this purpose. Then force cat's mouth open with pencil, and blow.

10. Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water to take taste away. Apply bandage to assistant's forearm, and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water.

11. Retrieve cat from neighbor's roof. Remove fourth pill from foil. Place cat in cupboard and close door on cat's neck, with head outside cupboard. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

12. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cuboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw bloodied, ripped T-shirt away and fetch another from bedroom.

13. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

14. Call 911, ask fire department to retrieve cat from eucalyptus tree.

15. Remove remaining pill from foil wrap.

16. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and securely tie to leg of dining table. Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves. Force cat's mought open with tire iron. Drop pill, previously hidden in one ounce of raw hamburger, into cat's mouth. Hold head vertically, with nose pointing to ceiling, and pour one-half pint of water down cat's throat, and two jiggers of whiskey down your own.

17. Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor administers anaesthetic, stitches fingers and forearm, and removes pill remnants from eye.

18. Drop off cat -- along with a generous donation -- at animal shelter, and adopt a goldfish.

Harry Potter And The Sequel

I haven't really followed the series, but the three movies I've seen so far were pretty good. No time to read the books, though.

There was some buzz recently that Book #7 would be the last in the series and that two "unspecified characters" would be killed off. There was some speculation that Harry would be one of the two.

Apparently not.

Word leaked out today that there will be an eighth book, where Harry as graduated and returns to Hogwarts to teach. The tentative title is...










scroll down....










wait for it.....











"Welcome Back, Potter".

:-)

The Zero-Sum Game

Someone raised the question yesterday of what you do when you get bored in Church. Well, I solved that problem over 35 years ago. I stopped going to Church. OK, 35 years ago, I started up again, but in a different Church. (Some of us would rather switch than fight.)

I do find that when you have some smart-aleck (moi?) sitting on the back row, things rarely get boring. Fortunately, we have an excellent Sunday School teacher, so things never get boring. Leastwise, not that I've ever seen.

At any rate, things got a little more exciting than usual this past Sunday when we were discussing the case of David and Bathsheba. Apparently, our sexist society still blames David 100% for what happened.

All I did was point out that responsibility is not a zero-sum game. That is to say, David being responsible for his actions (lusting, adultery, murder) did not reduce Bathsheba's responsibility (bathing where she could be seen, committing adultery). From the reaction I got, you'd think I had cast aspersions on the Lord's annointed.

Unfortunately, it looks like there aren't a whole lot of folks who understand the concept of a zero-sum game. You'd think I was trying to explain how increases in M1, M2, and M3 differ from the wage/price spiral. Half the people had a MEGO moment, I'm sure.

The whole thing spilled over into an on-line discussion where some people didn't seem to understand that women have a responsibility to dress, speak, and act modestly (as do men) and men have a responsibility to control their thoughts and their hormones (as do women).

Oddly enough, I can't think of any women I'm close to who are not modest. Go figure. As they use to say about Ban, it takes the worry out of being close. And some of them have expressed appreciation for me behaving myself.

It's not a zero-sum game.

Another Phony

Somehow, something about that blowhard Murtha just never passed the sniff test. Why would a Marine "war hero" be so rotten to the Corps? Marines are a close-knit bunch; they take care of their own -- in more ways than one. If one's in trouble, they all come to his aid. If one screws up, the rest of 'em are on him like junkyard dogs. So something about Rep. Murtha just didn't add up.

Now I see why. One of the blogs that I occasionally read is Bane Rants. His language and subject matter might occasionally leave a bit to be desired, but this is a real eye-opener and well worth reading.

Where Pets Came From

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?".

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you might be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are... The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a crap one way or the other.

Spirit Mail

Have you ever wondered how people communicate in the after-life? I mean, do they have some sort of celestial e-mail system? When I get over there, can I send a nasty-gram to Erich_Honecker@Hell.org and say "Hey! Thanks a pantload for building that stupid Wall in Berlin and tearing my family apart."?

But if you could e-mail anyone on the Other Side, who would it be and what would you say? Example:

SpiritMail.com
From: Jahn@Earth.com
To: Satan@Hell.org
Subject: Britney Spears

What's up with this? She started out as a Mouseketeer and look at what you've got her doing.

Thanks a pantload, you schmuck.

Or:

SpiritMail.com
From: Jahn@Earth.com
To: Buddha@Heaven.org
Subject: Koan

So, what the heck is the sound of one hand clapping?

Or:

SpiritMail.com
From: Jahn@Earth.com
To: Ludwig.van.Beethoven@Heaven.org
Subject: Unfinished Symphony

Did you ever finish that thing? Will you let me hear it when I get over there?


Or:

SpiritMail.com
From: Jahn@Earth.com
To: Josef.Stalin@Hell.org
Subject: Climate

Hot enough for ya?

Or:....

Well, you get the idea. More as they come to me.

.

You might be an idiot if...

1. You think that militia groups are more of a threat to your safety than inner-city gangs.

2. You think that if all guns were banned, crime would disappear.

3. You believe that criminals will flock to gun buy-back programs to turn in their guns.

4. You believe that if the government funded one less black helicopter, that thousands of starving children would be fed.

5. You believe that the government should have more control over the lives of people.

6. You believe that Pat Schroeder, Diane Feinstein, Charles Schumer, Howard Metzenbaum, Arlen Spector, etc. etc. are actually working for your best interests.

7. You believe that Socialism/Communism can work and it's just gotten some bad publicity.

8. You believe that the Bible is racist, sexist and homophobic.

9. You believe that "it takes a village to raise a child".

10. You have demanded that a local book store stop selling books containing the words "Jesus Christ", yet insist they make pro-homosexual literature available to children.

11. You believe that Randy Weaver's family were dangerous criminals with an arsenal.

12. You think that the mainstream media is too conservative.

13. You believe that most of our health care would be solved if the government would increase taxes.

14. Your cellar is stocked with Clinton/Gore bumper stickers and the complete works of Barbra Striesand.

15. You would vote for Hillary Clinton.

16. You believe that all hell would break loose if it were not for U.N. "Peacekeepers".

17. You don't think its "fair" for some people to have bigger houses than others.

18. You believe that law enforcement should be federalized, and should forcibly enter homes and confiscate guns.

19. You believe that Christianity is harmful, but you're completely open-minded to allowing your children to be exposed to paganism. atheism, secular humanism, witchcraft, etc..

20. You believe that the government has been honest with us concerning POWs and MIAs.

21. You believe that Bill Gates amassed his fortune by turning out a superior product.

22. You believe that only adult white males are racist, sexist and homophobic.

23. You believe everything that Rush Limbaugh says.

24. You think that multi-level marketing is a good deal for all involved.

25. You believe that television talk shows make meaningful and important contributions to society.

26. You believe that everything will work out if we just think positively.

27. You believe that it's the government that grants us our rights.

28. You believe that a government school "education" is superior to that of someone who was home-schooled.

29. You believe the Multi-Jurisdictional Task Force had to incinerate the children at the Branch Davidian Church "in order to save them".

30. You believe you can survive an encounter in your home with an armed attacker by dialing 911.

31. You believe that handing out condoms to school children will decrease pregnancies.

32. You believe that a Federal Reserve Note is "money".

33. You believe all that you see on the television news.

34. You think that Americans have always paid income taxes, and you see nothing wrong with the graduated income tax being one of the ten steps to destroy a free country, as outlined in the Communist Manifesto.

35. You think that there is too much freedom and that we should surrender some of our rights so that the government can make it "safer" for us.

36. You don't view people as individuals, but rather as members of a group.

37. You equate patriotism with terrorism.

38. You believe that minorities can't succeed on their own, and must have "help".

39. You believe that 2+2=4 or 5 or 7, as long as the child's feelings are not hurt.

40. You believe that the policy that the United States is to have no Intercontinental Ballistic Missile Defense whatsoever helps to keep your children safe.

41. You find it acceptable for an avowed communist and former head of the Soviet Union to be in charge of supervising the disarming of America's defensive capabilities.

42. You believe Anita Hill was a victim, but Paula Jones is an opportunist.

43. You believe Clinton "never inhaled".

44. You believe that cuts in the Defense Department will balance the budget.

45. You believe that the Strategic Defense Initiative (a.k.a. "Star Wars") didn't work.

46. You consider any discussion of other people's obvious character flaws as "hate speech".

47. You favor abortion, but oppose capital punishment.

48. You buy a vehicle for $20,000 and get a $1,000 "rebate" and think you're money ahead.

49. You believe that the new millenium began on 1 Jan 2000.

50. You consider multi-million-dollar wheeler-dealer CEOs to be absolutely indispensible to our economy, but low-wage workers who produce goods and services are a burden.

"You Big Meany!"

If I posted this over at LinkUp, I'd probably get booted. So I might as well post it here.

I am getting so fed up with all the whiny, sniveling, little cry-babies of this world, I'm ready to puke. Since at least the early '70s, the Left in this country has had nothing to offer except emotion. They can't argue facts, because the facts aren't on their side. Not that they're inclined to argue facts anyway. (And by "facts", I don't mean unsubstantiated allegations.) They can't even argue conclusions, because the facts don't bear out their conclusions. So what do they do? They argue emotion.

For a long time, they whined about things not being "fair". It's not "fair" that one person has a better home than another person. (Tough cookies. Life itself is "unfair". Get used to it.) Of course, they very conveniently left out the fact that the first person had worked harder and made better life choices than the second. What's unfair about that?

Then they tried using fear to get their way. "Oh! The big bad Republicans are going to kick Grandma out into the streets where she'll starve to death in the cold." Really? How many times has that happened in the last 25 years? Umm.... let's see... that would be.... Never! (Of course, they love the new technology that allows welfare queens to use EBT cards so no one can see what they're buying with your hard-earned tax dollars. It also allows Grandma and Grandpa to gamble away their Socialist Security checks at the nearest casino without leaving all those brown envelopes lying around for all the world to see.

Since about 1990 and Bush the Elder's idiotic "kinder, gentler" crap, they've found another tool to use to beat the opposition into submission. Now they whine about how those big ol' meanies have hurt their pwecious widdle feewings. Aw.... ain't it just too bad? Anyone who opposes their agenda of socialist world domination is "mean" and "cruel" and "vicious".

The latest offering on their altar of political correctness is Ann Coulter, whose intellect exceeds their collective IQ by several points. Her new book, "Godless", quite correctly points out their lies and hypocrisy. Naturally, since they can't refute her facts or conclusions, the only thing left is ad hominem attacks. Reading their hysterical rantings is reminiscent of being in the kindergarten sandbox. ("Oooo, teacher! She's being mean! Make her stop!") It's disgusting.

If it weren't so revolting, it would be comical that there's a movement in the State of New Jersey to ban her book. All along, they'd have you believe that it's only right-wingers who ban books. They seeem to conveniently forget that the First Amendment does not exist to protect speech (and writing) that they like, but to protect what they don't like.

For the record, there are a few -- very few -- liberals I can actually tolerate. I still largely disagree with their arguments, but at least they make an attempt to act like adults. Too bad they're a tiny minority.

/rant

For the record, none of this was prompted by anything that happened over at LinkUp. It was prompted by all the whining surrounding the release of Ann Coulter's new book. I merely made the observation that if I had posted this over there, I undoubtedly would have gotten into trouble.

.

At The Movies

Someone over at LinkUp started a thread about pranks in the workplace. Aside from being just a little nervous at the prospect of ever working with some of these nefarious yahoos, it's been a fun read. But now it's my turn.

This afternoon, I added a post about a movie ("Thoughts Are Free"), along with links to read about it here, here, and here.

(If you can get ahold of an old copy of the VideoHound Golden Retriever (now out of print?), it's listed in there.)

Now, the $64,000 question is: what is amiss about that movie? I'll give it a few days before I spill the beans.


.

Firearms Refresher Course

Got this from one of my fellow Linksters:

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Colt: The original point-and-click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. "Free" men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.
11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
14. Guns only have two enemies: rust and politicians.
15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911 - government-sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
23. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

.

Don't Try This At Home!

Some things are best left to professionals. :-)

In God We Trust

Well, some of us, anyway.

Got this from one of my penpals and checked it out and it's legit. Look thru for your State, and then read the last part.

Question is: why have our "leaders" abandoned God?

America's founders did not intend for there to be a separation of God and state, as shown by the fact that all 50 States acknowledge God in their state constitutions:

Alabama 1901, Preamble. We the people of the State of Alabama, invoking the favor and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish the following Constitution.

Alaska 1956, Preamble. We, the people of Alaska, grateful to God and to those who founded our nation and pioneered this great land...

Arizona 1911, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Arizona, grateful to Almighty God for our liberties, do ordain this Constitution.

Arkansas 1874, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Arkansas, grateful to Almighty God for the privilege of choosing our own form of government...

California 1879, Preamble. We, the People of the State of California, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom...

Colorado 1876, Preamble. We, the people of Colorado, with profound reverence for the Supreme Ruler of Universe...

Connecticut 1818, Preamble. The People of Connecticut, acknowledging with gratitude the good Providence of God in permitting them to enjoy...

Delaware 1897, Preamble. Through Divine Goodness all men have, by nature, the rights of worshipping and serving their Creator according to the dictates of their consciences.

Florida 1845, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Florida, grateful to Almighty God for our constitutional liberty... establish this Constitution.

Georgia 1777, Preamble. We, the people of Georgia, relying upon protection and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish this Constitution.

Hawaii 1959, Preamble. We, the people of Hawaii, Grateful for Divine Guidance... establish this Constitution.

Idaho 1889, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Idaho, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, to secure its blessings...

Illinois 1870, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Illinois, grateful to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy and looking to Him for a blessing on our endeavors...

Indiana 1851, Preamble. We, the People of the State of Indiana, grateful to Almighty God for the free exercise of the right to chose our form of government...

Iowa 1857, Preamble. We, the People of the State of Iowa, grateful to the Supreme Being for the blessings hitherto enjoyed, and feeling our dependence on Him for a continuation of these blessings... establish this Constitution.

Kansas 1859, Preamble. We, the people of Kansas, grateful to Almighty God for our civil and religious privileges... establish this Constitution.

Kentucky 1891, Preamble. We, the people of the Commonwealth of Kentucky, grateful to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberties...

Louisiana 1921, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Louisiana, grateful to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberties we enjoy...

Maine 1820, Preamble. We the People of Maine... acknowledging with grateful hearts the goodness of the Sovereign Ruler of the Universe in affording us an opportunity... and imploring His aid and direction...

Maryland 1776, Preamble. We, the people of the state of Maryland, grateful to Almighty God for our civil and religious liberty...

Massachusetts 1780, Preamble. We... the people of Massachusetts, acknowledging with grateful hearts, the goodness of the Great Legislator of the Universe... in the course of His Providence, an opportunity and devoutly imploring His direction...

Michigan 1908, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Michigan, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of freedom... establish this Constitution.

Minnesota, 1857, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Minnesota, grateful to God for our civil and religious liberty, and desiring to perpetuate its blessings...

Mississippi 1890, Preamble. We, the people of Mississippi in convention assembled, grateful to Almighty God, and invoking His blessing on our work...

Missouri 1845, Preamble. We, the people of Missouri, with profound reverence for the Supreme Ruler of the Universe, and grateful for His goodness... establish this Constitution.

Montana 1889, Preamble. We, the people of Montana, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of liberty, establish this Constitution.

Nebraska 1875, Preamble. We, the people, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom... establish this Constitution.

Nevada 1864, Preamble. We the people of the State of Nevada, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, establish this Constitution.

New Hampshire 1792, Part I. Art. I. Sec. V. Every individual has a natural and unalienable right to worship God according to the dictates of his own conscience.

New Jersey 1844, Preamble. We, the people of the State of New Jersey, grateful to Almighty God for civil and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy, and looking to Him for a blessing on our endeavors...

New Mexico 1911, Preamble. We, the People of New Mexico, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of liberty...

New York 1846, Preamble. We, the people of the State of New York, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, in order to secure its blessings...

North Carolina 1868, Preamble. We the people of the State of North Carolina, grateful to Almighty God, the Sovereign Ruler of Nations, for our civil, political, and religious liberties, and acknowledging our dependence upon Him for the continuance...

North Dakota 1889, Preamble. We, the people of North Dakota, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of civil and religious liberty, do ordain...

Ohio 1852, Preamble. We the people of the state of Ohio, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, to secure its blessings and to promote our common...

Oklahoma 1907, Preamble. Invoking the guidance of Almighty God, in order to secure and perpetuate the blessings of liberty... establish this...

Oregon 1857, Bill of Rights, Article I. Section 2. All men shall be secure in the Natural right, to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their consciences.

Pennsylvania 1776, Preamble. We, the people of Pennsylvania, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of civil and religious liberty, and humbly invoking His guidance...

Rhode Island 1842, Preamble. We the People of the State of Rhode Island, grateful to Almighty God for the civil and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy, and looking to Him for a blessing...

South Carolina, 1778, Preamble. We, the people of the State of South Carolina, grateful to God for our liberties, do ordain and establish this Constitution.

South Dakota 1889, Preamble. We, the people of South Dakota, grateful to Almighty God for our civil and religious liberties, establish this...

Tennessee 1796, Art. XI.III. That all men have a natural and indefeasible right to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their conscience...

Texas 1845, Preamble. We the People of the Republic of Texas, acknowledging, with gratitude, the grace and beneficence of God...

Utah 1896, Preamble. Grateful to Almighty God for life and liberty, we establish this Constitution.

Vermont 1777, Preamble. Whereas all government ought to... enable the individuals who compose it to enjoy their natural rights, and other blessings which the Author of Existence has bestowed on man...

Virginia 1776, Bill of Rights, XVI ... Religion, or the Duty which we owe our Creator, can be directed only by Reason... and that it is the mutual duty of all to practice Christian Forbearance, Love and Charity towards each other...

Washington 1889, Preamble. We the People of the State of Washington, grateful to the Supreme Ruler of the Universe for our liberties, do ordain this Constitution.

West Virginia 1872, Preamble. Since through Divine Providence we enjoy the blessings of civil, political and religious liberty, we, the people of West Virginia... reaffirm our faith in and constant reliance upon God.

Wisconsin 1848, Preamble. We, the people of Wisconsin, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, domestic tranquility...

Wyoming 1890, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Wyoming, grateful to God for our civil, political, and religious liberties... establish this Constitution.

After reviewing acknowledgments of God from all 50 State constitutions, one is faced with the prospect that maybe, just maybe, the ACLU and the out-of-control federal courts are wrong!

"Those people who will not be governed by God will be ruled by tyrants." -- William Penn